So Alone

They say that being a mother is the ultimate celebration of one’s womanhood and I definitely agree. I’ve always dreamt that having children and taking care of them is a career that I would happily indulge myself into. I was always warned that it’s no easy task, a task something so gargantuan that it causes some women depression and some looked like they’ve aged 5 or 10 years after they’ve raised some of their own.

After a month and a day of waiting for Elise to come home, I said to myself, God was giving me time to anticipate and be excited to spend time with my daughter. That I should be ready for the big task ahead of me. I thought I was ready, but I’m dead wrong.

Now, I feel like I’m slowly sinking into the depression state. I feel so incompetent as a mother when I ask people here at home, or even my mother-in-law for help to take over me in taking care of my child. The sad part is that my husband is not helping me at all and he’s the one I’m depending on. He only takes in chores that he only likes to do. He also thinks that waking up every 2-3 hours is not that hard to do. I just wish he does more than taking out the trash and cleaning feeding bottles. Sometimes he expects me to still give him massages which takes up a lot of my energy.

Lord, please don’t let me sink into depression. My daughter needs me now more than ever. I feel so helpless and incapable in everything. I want to provide for my family’s financial needs since Pau is still studying but I’m torn with the fact that no one can take care of Elise better than I can. And its so demeaning for a 28 year old, married woman with a child to depend on her parents for financial support.

But I must be strong. It was my choice to take care of this family and to be married to a man like Pau and I should take responsibility for my actions. But Lord, please don’t make a martyr out of me.

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